Why am I here? What is my purpose in this lifetime? Why do I sometimes feel so empty inside? As if there's something missing... something even I cannot identify what it is... All I know is it's not in my life right now. Do I sound so pathetic? Yeah, I probably do. Is this what they call a midlife crisis?? Ugh!! I hope not, I don't think I'm that old to even have one. LOL! I just feel like I'm in this crossroad and I don't know where to go. Come to think of it, maybe this is not even a crossroad... because if it's a crossroad, I would have choices or options to choose from and I'll know where each road is headed. Nope that's not it. It's as if I've been walking on this particular road and I don't know where it is headed. I don't even know where I am going and where I want to go. Maybe at some point I know where I want to go, but I'm not sure if this is the right road going there... is this a short cut, a long detour, or totally the wrong way?
I know, these are quite tough questions even I don't have answers to. I don't even know why I'm asking myself these questions, must be because I feel so down, lonely and useless sometimes. Or is it because of too much stress at work? Or maybe I'm jealous with other people's lives especially seeing how accomplished they seem and how they have something/someone to work or live for? Or is it because I have been longing to have that "fairy-tale-happy-ending" that I have been missing for 9 years now? I know, "fairy-tale-happy-endings" are not true, but what I meant is having someone you love and loves you back. Or is it because I just feel so confined, even strangled that I can hardly breathe? Maybe I have been feeling like this in a long time and I just want to get out of it? But how? How do you get out of that situation? Or maybe because I miss my family so much it hurts and that I want to be with them so bad? I think it may be all of the above...
Are you surprised that I'm a bundle of knots? I do hide it well with smile and laughter, and I convince myself that I'm contented with what I have and where I am right now. I guess I am, to a point. I feel I'm very lucky to have a good job and I'm earning decently. And for that I'm already more than thankful. But... yeah, there's a but. *sigh*
I know, these are quite tough questions even I don't have answers to. I don't even know why I'm asking myself these questions, must be because I feel so down, lonely and useless sometimes. Or is it because of too much stress at work? Or maybe I'm jealous with other people's lives especially seeing how accomplished they seem and how they have something/someone to work or live for? Or is it because I have been longing to have that "fairy-tale-happy-ending" that I have been missing for 9 years now? I know, "fairy-tale-happy-endings" are not true, but what I meant is having someone you love and loves you back. Or is it because I just feel so confined, even strangled that I can hardly breathe? Maybe I have been feeling like this in a long time and I just want to get out of it? But how? How do you get out of that situation? Or maybe because I miss my family so much it hurts and that I want to be with them so bad? I think it may be all of the above...
Are you surprised that I'm a bundle of knots? I do hide it well with smile and laughter, and I convince myself that I'm contented with what I have and where I am right now. I guess I am, to a point. I feel I'm very lucky to have a good job and I'm earning decently. And for that I'm already more than thankful. But... yeah, there's a but. *sigh*
2 comments:
HI there! I stumbled upon your blog and read your recent post. I have felt the same way before! Just now I have started to follow, so I'm not quite sure where exactly your family is, but I too am far away from my own. It may be difficult to not think about the things you miss or wish you had in your life, but a way for me to get my mind off things is to work out and create a routine aside from work that will relax you...
Come stop by my page anytime. Ask any kinds of questions...I would be so happy to share my thoughts. Also, I have followed you to read your posts. Hope you'll do the same as I look forward to connecting with you soon!
XoXo,
Jen
cupofsimplici-tea.blogspot.com
Thanks Jen!! I just followed your blog and added an email subscription... I'd be reading more of your posts once I get more free time ;) Thank you too for the advice... yeah I guess I just need to have an outlet and I do need that workout... If only sleep is not getting the better of me! LOL!!
Anyways, I wrote this post when I think I reached my lowest and was too tired and emotional... and missing my family too much (they're in Virginia and I'm in Singapore). I guess we all have our lows at some point, and my way of venting is blogging ;)
Talk to you soon :)
*hugs*
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